Masks

The following is something I wrote when I hit a point in my life where my optimism and, as I now say, naïve trust, in people was taken for a ride that ended with a heavy dose of cold reality. My butterflies and red balloons suddenly replaced with ugly spiders and deflated magic.

“And so it is, everyone wears a mask.

Some shiny and new portioned out for new roles, new people, new experiences. Dozens in our closet marked up, discarded, broken from use and no longer functional. We rotate them in and out like clockwork. One goes off, one goes on. Switching them only in that brief eye flicker that makes us look for a moment for something we thought we saw that was real.

But we usually don’t notice, we’re too busy adjusting our own mask.

One to cover our eyes.

One to cover our face.

One to shield us from others.

Another to shield others from us.

Who sees any of us without our masks?

Who can we trust?

For what friend does not whisper words of disdain? They mock and glare at the person to their left; do they not mock me to their right? They whisper my secrets to a hundred ears and cover the secret with a “tell no one” as if there is someone left to tell.

What friend sees my blemish and does not slit their eye in a slight of comparative judgment?

What person can I take a piece of my heart and in utter confidence hold it out, naked, bare, exposed?

And know… they will not meet it with honey on their lips and mockery or ambivalence in their heart?

What human can I trust? Not even myself.

For when I look in the mirror I am wearing my mask.

Even my closest friends walks from room to room switching masks unaware as I switch mine; scrabbling to hold on to them for a question that reaches too deep.

I am unaware, they are unaware, all the hidden parts, all the undiscovered lies we don’t even know we ourselves hold.

I go to sleep even with my mask on now. Accustomed to it’s weight I no longer trust even myself.

If I am naked

Who then will I trust to love me?

If they are naked

Who then will they trust to love them?

No One. And no one cares.

No one. We are all busy with our own agendas, switching our masks from one party to the next.

To busy holding tight to even see what we are protecting,

and what we are protecting it from.

Longing for that unabashed nakedness where we can revel in the security of trust,

But too afraid to be the first to remove our mask. "

This is a beautiful quote I heard as a narrative on a show once and I love reciting to myself in whispers as I walk down the street.

"We are none of us alone.
Even as we exhale, it is inhaled by others.
The light that shines upon me, shines upon my neighbor as well.
In this way, everything is connected to everything else.
In this way, I am connected to my friend even as I am connected to my enemy.
In this way,there is no difference between me, and my friend.
In this way, there is no difference between me, and my enemy.
We are none of us alone."

~unknown (to me)

Hypnotic Concrete Ocean

Today on my Google reader I noticed a blog from GOOD with the tag word

"HYPNOTIC"

So, naturally, curious to be hypnotized without the use of any outside methods other than staring at my screen (like that doesn't happen every day)...I clicked the link.



REALLY? guys.... seriously?
We call this Hypnotic. A faint concrete reproduction of what some call the "Blue Earth".
Really...? I mean- I don't even see any flora or fauna or whatever you call greenery under the sea.
Booooorrring. And while yes, if perhaps I was standing there I would be mesmerized by the flow of the fins and the vast body of a whale gliding past me. But that video... not so much.

And the music is ridiculous. Good song, bad pairing. It's like drinking Dolce with a hot dog.

If you want hypnotic check this out:


Put it on full screen, sit back, and get sucked in. The whole movie was hypnotic.

corporate america comes to call

Recently I found myself in a morally frustrating dilemma.

Like all restaurants, we have our regulars. We have as detailed notes as possible on each guest:

• names of boyfriends
  
• preferred drink
  
• who they know
  
• how fast the like their food
• their favorite childhood toy

We print those notes out for Front of House and Back of house staff. Because God forbid we should forget to put salt on their table the moment they are seated OR forget to notify important people in the back that there are important people in the front they have to dilly dally with.

This particular guest comes in only at lunch. We all know him by name and most of us, he knows by name. I won't tell you what he does exactly. But let's just say he gets to come get a free meal while different "potentials" pitch their deal to him, pay for his salmon or steak and two glasses of wine... and in return, he decides what to do with their pitch.
Very nice man.
We would talk to him after his "potentials" left as he moved to the bar for an after lunch drink.
AFTER LUNCH DRINK? working....?
Anyway. So fine- he's a lush. But he's super congenial and polite and we all like him.
Because anyone who looks you in the eye and says please and thank you in this business is an absolute gem in a world of dumb rocks.
yes. I just made up that analogy. thank you.

Anyway, the economy hasn't been doing it's best (THAT'S why your resumes are getting ripped up) and at some point our lovely little patron started requesting copies of the check. At first we just shrugged out shoulders.

SO WHAT if he pretends he doesn't eat here 3 times a week on someone else's tab and always get's the most expensive item on the lunch menu.
SO WHAT if he always orders 2 glasses of wine and pretends to be modest about it.
He's nice.

But a copy of the check.... why?
First we were in Denial. Well....at least I was. Ever the positive thinker that believes the world is incapable of anything but puppy dogs and red balloons I say
"Maybe he just wants to keep track of which days he is eating salmon and which day he is eating steak?"
"No. Jenny. He is getting reimbursed."
"But how could he? He didn't pay for it!"
*crushed*
I walk away. It can't be. So I ignore it.
But then I come in and get him again a month later. I am told by my co-workers that he now asks for a check without the alcohol listed. They start telling me the different ways they hand him the check discreetly. But still that silence sits over the table where everyone knows he got a copy, and everyone knows why.

Sure enough, he orders his salmon and quietly says "and I'll need a copy without the alcohol on it"
I shove that "whatever you say but you're an asshole" smile on my face and say "sure" and go get his wine.
He's not cute now. He isn't nice. He's tricky. He's underhanded, and he's cheating.
But what can I do? He brings business to our restaurant several times a month and usually runs a large tab.
What can they do? he brings business to those people if they keep their mouths shut and pitch it right.

So I bring the host her check. And I slide his check in his hand. And she notices.
She pauses as I walk away. I can't hear what she says but she is clearly confused why he is getting a check. He says something about "records" and "work" and she nods her head. We all see that look. We all know what's going on. But we nod our heads like we believe him.

I was pretty upset leaving work. I considered putting in the notes. DO NOT EVER SEAT WITH JC! But I didn't. Because someone will hand him that check. And I may as well get paid $20-40 to hand it to him....Because it's a hard economy and a lunch shift with an extra $20 to $40 a week is an extra $80 to $160 a month.

So have I just placed my hand on corporate America's hand and helped them in the honeypot? Will I refuse to serve him next time he comes in or will I take him "one last time"?
Guess we'll see.

Vitamin D

FINALLY.

You'll notice the green grass behind the chair. Months of melting snow and and chilled rain make spring a short hop into summer. I sat outside today and soaked in some much needed Vitamin D.

Though I have been trying to buy seasonal as well as local fruit- there is a lag I am not prepared to deal with in the late winter and early spring (NO MORE SQUASH!). Most of those veggies on my plate are "seasonal" for winter in general but not exactly locational -good enough.

Meanwhile... Apples seem to not mix with my stomach acid (alongside of oranges) so I've passed by apples and instead of only eating grapefruit after grapefruit I have stretched far beyond local and have been stuffing myself with Bananas and Pineapples for now.

Looking forward to when the Farmer's Market sells out of last years squash and apples and the sun's warmth brings fresh greens and lots of peaches and nectarines!

"Let the wild rumpus start!"

I hope everyone of you reading this has read and cherished the book Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak.If you have not... please proceed to do so. I love this book so much that in fact when I DID have checks I got an extra line after my address that read: "let the wild rumpus begin" because...who DOESN'T want to say that anytime they get a check!

As many of you may know the majority of fictional books I read -I'd say 82%- are children and young adult literature. Should you ever need a recommendation...pick me, pick me!




Here is a preview of the movie "Where the Wild Things Are" and I just got goose bumps watching it. I wouldn't normally be SUPER excited about a book being put on screen due to my numerous disappointments in the past. Also, I hadn't considered this book being themed with "Hope". However, I have high hopes because the book uses little words and leaves much room for imagination. So the movie can take liberties with the storyline, I think, without damaging the integrity of it. I imagine there is much argument about this so...we shall see...

Meanwhile, please... enjoy the magic.

Subscription

Well as some of you may know I haven't had a computer since the fateful day of the inauguration when my brand new year old lap top caked out on me with the "blue Screen of Death".


or something like that...
So yes- I still haven't seen President Obama take that first step.
But I'm so far behind on my TV shows I doubt that's the first video I'll be jumping to... I'm more concerned about Orson's stealing problem on Desperate Housewives.

And no...I STILL don't have my computer back. Don't ask.

The Laptop I am on is from a generous loan from my father and mother. Who got tired of hearing how utterly STRESSFUL, backed-up, uncreative, and backward my life became without a laptop. The scary trips to the library and sneaking up to the hostess desk to check my mail at work. The thought of ONLY checking my email and MAYBE facebook once a day.
It is a horror my friend. it is.

Anyway....I gave up myspace long ago but keep it "just in case". That "just in case" being a perfect bearded man finds me on there and wants to drink some coffee with me...OR someone happens to be on myspace and not facebook.

So I've done some of you a favor and transferred your subscription from my myspace blog- to here. yes- that is the long-winded point to my post. And I call it a favor to you. so pretend it isn't so that I feel better knowing that quite possible TEN people read some of my most precious thoughts.
If you didn't subscribe to my blog previously and i subscribed you- it's cause you hound and hound me about how I need to write so you deserve to subscribe and suffer with everyone else.

You have to confirm it first for it to be official. And if you hate me for doing it please...leave me a comment of facebook so I get a happy red notification telling me I am loved when I log on.

Things I want to do in Life

Rewind several years...

I sit in my kitchen chair sipping soup and as my friend Mari sits on the couch sipping soup. We pull out our lists and start read...

"Learn Spanish"
"Take an IQ test"

and the list goes on. We read to each other the list of things we want to do sometime, anytime, in our lifetime. We steal from each other, and add things we HAVE done to our list just to cross them off.

It's been about 6 years since we discovered be both had similar lists. With the start of a new year of course we all do something that makes us feel like there might be something different ahead. We take stalk, we look back. Some of us make resolutions, some of us make broad promises to ourselves that Something is going to change, or that we'll eat more fruits and veggies...

Whatever the case to start out my new year, I took down my 2008 work of art. No one has seen it. It was hidden behind a large piece of fabric so it looked like I had a wall hanging. Behind the fabric was a large piece of paper from ceiling to floor painted, pasted, drawn on, and written on with a summery of my 2008 started back in July. Every so often I would take down the fabric, spend a few hours detailing some of my life, and then staring at it for awhile.

It is not finished.
But I guess that is what life is like. Something else always comes along before we are ready for it. We tend to cling to what we had rather than embrace what is before us. So with that in mind....I took down my collage. I think it helped me heal what needed to be healed, it helped me grasp hope and express magic. So even if it isn't quite finished...maybe it is? But in any case it's a new year and I'm tired already of 2008.

So now I have started Sticky Tac-ing new pictures, items, and words to my now bare wall. A new year with the bold words I once doodledin American History class during a lecture:

MAKE IT COUNT

I have shuffled this phrase from place to place over the years.
And among my papers I also ran across my life list...
So Cheers to 2009 and something NEW and BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and full of GRACE...


Here are the first 41 from my list (I have 105) any new suggestions...? I'll publish the rest later.

1.Pierce my nose (I changed my mind I want my eyebrow done)----Check!
2.Teach Drivers Ed
3. have a Garden
4.learn how to run a soundboard
5.learn clarinet
6.learn car basics
7. visit every continent
8.teach high school
9.teach college
10. Write a children's book
11. Get a shutter Camera----check!
12. Read War and Peace
13.take a picture that's published somewhere
14.read all the books I own
15.read utopia
16.Learn Italian
17. Get my masters
18.Use a potters wheel
19. Go rock Climbing---check!
20. Explore a cave----Check!
21. Drive a mercedes 240 DL
22.Ride in a hot air balloon
23. Find my family roots in Italy
24. See a tornado (does a wind funnel count?)
25. Go to mass at St. Perters in Italy ----Check!
26 Drive on the Autoban
27. read 100 classics
28. take a REAL IQ test
29. Visit Aushwitz
30. Visit Holocaust Museum in DC
31. Go to NYC
34. visit Nantucket island (blah...I no longer care about this)
35. Milk a goat ----Check!
36. Memorize Hebrews 11-12 and psalm 18
37. Go in a lighthouse and smell the sea air from the top -----Check!
38. Hug a redwood tree
39. Visit PE island
40. Go to Peru
41.Go horseback riding through an open field and into the woods.