At times my life with God often feels like shackles; because my flesh longs to do its will. It longs to be free.
I feel as though everywhere I look I see my wretchedness. My pride, selfishness, and vanity condemn me and my fear keeps me there. Fear of failure. I have failed so much; the despondency in me tells me that to receive grace again is useless. For the one time I convince myself that grace really is waiting for me, I find just behind that hope, a hammer that shatters. I see my future failures and find no motivation to receive grace knowing I will throw it away so quickly.If only I could somehow make all the things I have done wrong somehow redeemable.
If only I had the power to go to others and replace the worth Ive stripped, or heal the careless wounds. Even grace cannot undo the damage. Bowing before God and asking for grace seems so easy and unfair compared to all the damage I leave in my wake every day.
If only I had the power to go to others and replace the worth Ive stripped, or heal the careless wounds. Even grace cannot undo the damage. Bowing before God and asking for grace seems so easy and unfair compared to all the damage I leave in my wake every day.
If only freedom wasnt so cheap.
If only I could feel the stings on my back.
If only people would throw the garbage I throw at them right back at me.
If only I could feel the stings on my back.
If only people would throw the garbage I throw at them right back at me.
Unbelievably I sit here and think
Who will stand and advocate for me?
Who will stand beside me?
Who will see me as I am- all the dirt- who knows all and will give me a life line in spite of it?
Don't we all yearn to be fully known and accepted still? I wish to shout from the rooftops I AM NOTHING and poor out my dirt making sure everyone knows my faults. Then maybe Ill have a chance for true love despite my faults.
I have only one thing. Grace. Not a grace by feeling, but grace by faith. A faith in the power of love of my God. My God whom I often feel so far from. My God who hears my prayers to be broken and holds me as he begins the process. My God who is capable of more grace and love than I could ever give because all I have derives from him.
He is the only one who knows me more than I know myself and loves me still.
And how beautiful my failures become!
They become an outlet for Gods grace to imbed and my selfish wretched self to be crushed. With every mistake I turn to lean less on me and more on him. Gods grace allows me to be left behind in my failures and the emptiness is filled with pieces of him. My failures chip away my hardness and leave a soft tenderness that God covers.So though I feel beyond goodness. Although despondency feels suitable for my state. I choose the amazing grace of God.And how beautiful my failures become!
I choose to run to the most powerful thing- the never ending depth of love and mercy- to God himself.
Its all I have left of value when the day is done- but what a beautiful thing to remain.
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