kisses

I am so tired.
anxious.
lonely.
Tired of this place.
Tired of this job.
waiting. waiting for what?
anything. anything.
a train to take me away from all I know.
unfamiliarity calls to me.
bored.
I am one of those people. floating.
looking in a mirror and seeing what I loathe.
wondering what good.
what change
can occur near me.
from me
by me.
i shake my head.
what is in my hands that i can give?
I am tired of not giving.
tired of not being.
tired.
tired of me.

I long so much for a home I have never been to.
A home I can only feel my heart crave for.
aching from the separation.

i shake my head.
walk away from the mirror.
useless thoughts.
wasted thoughts.
where can i get new ones?

then. now. here.

stardust falls upon me.
tiny sighs of relief,
glimpses into true reality.
kisses of home.

love, deep red love.
grace, clear translucent grace.
hope, warm tender hope.
tears. falling. renewing. reminding.

I feel humble.
warm.
amazed.
kissed by stardust.
now i see.
now nothing matters.
now the pearl of great price is in front of me.
now nothing little is worth much.
petty.

I'll take the stardust.
I'll take God's grace.
they sit.
sacred.
in my hands.
in my head.
in my soul.
i have something to give.
if only for today.

A Tip

"Prom and Joyce Meyer conference this weekend" we hear circulating around work.
For those of us who know who Joyce Meyer is we groan.
For those of us who worked prom season last year we groan.
(I groaned for both).

we are well aware of those who tip 10% or less.
and among a few others...prom and Joyce Meyer Christian people fit into that category. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian and I was raised among the 10%ers and I was taught to tip better than that and behave better than that (Thanks Earl and Linda). I broke the stereotype and everyone has a chance to. Most just don't. And it pisses me off.

"We are in a hurry to go to a Joyce Meyer conference" my table says. Oookkkkayyy.... I'm on it. I expedite their food, run my ass off for their every request, and give a polite laugh when they can't for the life of them figure out why there isn't salt and pepper on the table like the local diner and think it's the funniest thing since Bob Saget narrated home videos.
All the while I try to remain optimistic that they aren't like everyone else.
After they leave and I am confident they received the best possible service I open the check. $42 bill...$3.98 tip.
wow. Jesus loves you too. Instead of helping me pay rent you just contributed towards a cup of coffee or half a tank of gas. awesome.

Why is it that instead of taking comfort in the fact that my guests pray before their meal I roll my eyes and mark them off for any money. They talk about pastors, Jesus, Church politics, and helping people and I guess they are so poor they can't afford a tip. But it wouldn't bother me SO much (other people leave 10% too) if they didn't demand, pick apart, and treat you like shit before they leave you nothing. Even on the Christian radio they laugh about how they made their waitress run around for all their requests. OH that was SO FUNNY.

Now I just wait for the prom kids to come in, steal our candles, giggle while they throw bread at eachother, and leave us 10% tip with mom and dad's credit card.

Not saying I'm perfect. No one models Jesus love all the time. But something is wrong when every person who works in the food industry knows that most Christians tip poorly.

Here's a tip: don't ask me if I know the Lord and then leave 10% when your every whim was catered too. If your what Jesus looks like then no wonder so many people groan.

sorry-I know it's on the hypocritical side but had to get it out. sigh.

Carcinogen! Carcinogen!

Sorry....
I can't help but advocate for a little organic and green movement in everyone's life.
I try not to offer unsolicited advice (not very good at it yet). And I try not to be one of those people who make you feel like a cad for wearing antiperspirants.

But from time to time you will hear me spout off something or yell in your ear "carcinogen! carcinogen!" as you put on your lotion or lather your face.

It's cause I care.
The stupid FDA approves a million additives, preservatives, and chemicals in small individual doses (not combined) never taking into consideration that
1. producers would use more than ONE toxin in their product
2. consumers would have more than ONE product containing several toxins.
3. some toxins react to other toxins and are rendered unsafe by association.

Smart dudes.... real smart. Now we all have toxic cocktails in our cabinets.

That's it. I like you and I don't want you getting cancer, or having birth defects, or the kids to start having kids at 7.

The Great Marshmallow Experiment

The marshmallow experiment is a famous test conducted by Walter Mischel.

A group of 4 year old children had marshmallows placed in front of them. They were told that they would receive another marshmallow if they waited 20 minutes before they ate the first one.
fast forward to their adolescent years... research indicated that those who held out the 20 minutes scored 210 points higher on their SAT in comparison to those who had eaten the marshmallow right away. They also were more calm and competent versus sulky and irritable later in life.

This is an interesting concept to me and I often find myself thinking "don't eat the marshmallow". In fact, I once wrote a note and tacked it above my bed that read:

"Remember the Marshmallow"

I mean, of course, metaphorically.
The concept, in my opinion, is not that it is bad to eat the marshmallow right away. That, in and of itself is fine. The marshmallow is good, why not enjoy it now? So what if I don't get another one, maybe I don't need another one. Two, might make me sick.

The problem though, is when I eat the marshmallow immediately because my mouth is filled with so much saliva I can't function until that gooey mass of processed sugar is in my mouth. That is when you are controlled by the desire.

Another way of looking at it I think is to imagine a beautiful smelling rose. When you smell it you take part in it, in what it is. You enjoy what it offers. You walk away happy that you got to smell it. It's just there- a passing pleasure that was lovely.

But what happens when you are always thinking about how good it smells and your mood is worse when you can't smell it. The aroma of the rose no longer enhances your life, it dominates it. In other words you no longer take pleasure in what it is, you are only interested in what it gives you.

Your admiration and derived pleasure for something beautiful has become a selfish desire no longer bent on appreciation, but on satiation. You only want something because it momentarily satisfies a desire not because that thing is necessarily good or beautiful.

Not that splurging on say some chocolate pudding when I crave it means I am doomed. spontaneity is beautiful too and it doesn't mean domination. I guess what I'm trying to say is I think there is a balance and that's what the marshmallow test reminds me of. It reminds me to enjoy what I have but when enjoyment becomes something that controls or consumes me- I've lost the beauty.

that's all. just...if your going to eat the marshmallow- be careful of what it can do to you. It can be delicious and wonderful and you go on with your day with a little wonderful. Or it can haunt you till you taste it again, and again, and again.

I'd like to think maybe I'm the kid who held out 10 minutes for the marshmallow and decided I was cool with just one and ate it and went on my merry way. sweet.

Disclaimer: I do not recommend trying this experiment on your children with marshmallows. They are bad for you. Try it with your favorite organic fruit...like watermelon or strawberries. It'll be a serving (or two if they hold out) of fruit and an indication of your child's future SAT scores. BONUS!

31% cynic

Good News!
According to this highly scientific test I generally see the glass half full!

Cynicism

31

"According to your responses, you are generally the type of person who believes in the goodness of humankind. You give nearly everyone the benefit of the doubt (at least until proven wrong), and will often accept what people say and do at face value instead of making conjectures about their motives. You will at least try to find the good in even the most difficult of people, and are willing to place your faith in others. Unlike their more positive counterparts, pessimists have a lot of difficulty trusting others, believing that most, if not all people have hidden agendas. Tempered with that necessary dose of skepticism, your fairly trusting and accepting nature is refreshing, and likely provides you with a much more balanced and upbeat perspective overall."

__________________________
Which I think is absolutely true.
I think my in filter is pessimistic which is why I initially take things rather hard and end up in some nice depressing holes. But my out filter is optimistic which means I almost always end up seeing the beauty in things. And most times, things come in and go out so fast I don't have time to even notice the pessimistic outlook because it's already been filtered through the optimistic. Lucky me! That all stems from my "Shoulder Shrug Theory" which is for another time.
The problem is when one thing is coming in and one thing is going out at the same time.
That is when I annoy myself.
Quandary # 4356 about myself solved.
(you didn't even know it WAS a quandary did you?)

eating my own words

There are times we come across a great idea or concept (hip hip).We get excited about that idea and think about it lots and we talk about it with other people.

Maybe, we even blog about it.

Of course,

... There are times when you realize your foot just ended up in your mouth...

When the things you crafted in your head and then so heartily ate make you sick to you stomach.

I just spend the last 2 hours thinking "that's not fair" over and over and over again concerning an event that I had just found out occurred.
I thought it,
kicked a couple walls and...er...lockers,
thought it again.
Took a breath to say it again and found myself cut off -there was something squeaking in my ear...

It was my own voice echoing back my recent penned words of "so what?" and reminding myself of all little beautiful things I had written that come from un-fairness! The nerve of me! It didn't make me feel better, it made me bitter at myself for writing words that came to chase me in my peppy optimistic little voice. It's annoying when I can't argue with myself and it's even more annoying when i want to kick some more lockers.

Sometimes, I just downright annoy myself. It's just not fair. (so there!)

Van Gogh's journal

'To lose a passport was the least
of one's worries. To lose a
notebook was a catastrophe.'
Bruce Chatwin

I certainly feel the same way. I have several notebooks and journals that are in working order and should I find myself somewhere without paper and pen I feel...rather naked.

There's just something about pen and paper. About the contact of a writing utensil as it forms lines and swirls to become something potentially life changing.
The contents become invaluable.

And it's different each time. I search for journals. Certain types need to be simple or ornate, plain or lined, large or small. Sometimes I have to write with pencil, sometimes a certain pen, sometimes even a certain color. I have a journal where I right musings from life that are half thinking on paper and half prayers. I have 3 mead notebooks for general info, historical studies, and writing excerpts from books and publications ; I have a quote journal (my fanciest journal); a blank journal to scribble pictures of fancy words ornately; and last but not least...
my moleskin.

(shameless plug below)

Moleskine is a product I scoffed at for quite awhile. Who would pay that much for paper just because it has "history". Too Fancy. As though a certain journal will really change the way you write or think.
As some of you may know however, I easily buy into things...
One day in college my friend Megan took me to the school library and we stood in front of pictures of alumni in our school library. We stood and stared for a few minutes, contemplating their lives. Their history, their impact.
Since then I feel almost everywhere I go there is a sacred history. People, places, cars, pictures. This tea cup I drink rose tea out of in this coffee shop....holds history. Who picked this tea, dried it? where is it from? Who else has drank out of this cup and this tea pot? what conversations have occurred at this table? Everything.

Then one day my friend Matt bought a moleskin and before I could say some snide comment on the waste of money he transformed the notebook into a sacred text "it was used by Van Gogh"

Bam. I was sold. I bought into it.
...the famed journals used by Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Ernest Hemingway. I buy into the inspirational guise and fork out the 16.95 for the lined journal as though it's link to the past will connect me to the minds who have purchased from the same company.
It makes me smarter- I mean I sound smarter right now don't I? (note the self mockery)

Actually even though it's still just paper, it is my belief in that paper that reminds me of the history of others. My first moleskin is used for a book log. I write down the books that have altered my thinking and include the most thought provoking passages. So in a way- it does connect me. I hold that notebook and feel linked to those words, ideas, and authors.

Call me a sucker....but I know in my future there will be more Moleskins. I have just found out that Moleskine now has a city notebook line (Mari you might like these). Maps and markers, transportation and space to log your city experiences. I'm not usually too fond of those journal's that "help" you with entries. however considering my recent conversion to theses journals I anticipate the release of more cities and shamelessly recommend their products.

(end of shameless plug)

I encourage pen (or pencil) to paper. Sometimes I write my initial thoughts on the computer. Sometimes my hand writes slower than my fingers type and I need to keep up with the spinning thoughts. But often- half the release of writing comes not from the meaning in the words, but in merely forming the symbols across the page and seeing your work.
Writing
"I feel trapped" or "My soul is peaceful"
means a lot more scribbled on a piece of paper than it does typed in a word document.

Writing doesn't have to be long. Even one sentence can mean the world to you or someone else. No matter what type of paper it's on...
try it.

p.s. if you don't like what you wrote you can convert it to Toilet paper....

treading water

sometimes it just feels like the world is out for the good people.
?maybe it's cause I know mostly good people?
maybe cause I don't seem to notice the injustice that occurs with the not so good people. Maybe...(ironically) I think it's only fair that bad things happen to bad people.

But sometimes I look around and it seems that no matter where my head turns it's just shitty in every direction. And it makes me want to scream and shove a couple noses up into a couple brains. There just aren't enough band aids to go around and even if there were enough...applying a band aid on a broken spirit just doesn't seem to do the trick.

philosophy sounds so meaningful and good in the abstract: caves, chairs, shadows and never stepping the same river again...
but in real life. people getting screwed -Philosophy is a bit different.

All those catch phrases, all those quotes. They seem like a slap in the face to those who need it most. They are really best for before you need it as a memory stored up to run like a feed through your head when you need it. Those inspirational messages are seemingly appropriated for a time of crisis. However, when your trying so hard to keep your nose above the water and then to have someone yell down at you:
"It's always darkest before the sun comes out buddy!"
or
"Hey man, What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

hardly the help you were looking for while your treading water and trying not to breath it in as it rises. A couple more friends yelling down at you and I'd want to submerge myself just to shut their optimism out.

So I guess...maybe when everything seems to be crashing and you can't figure out how to help them I guess all you can do is figure out how to jump in and at least tread water beside them. Maybe you have a rope, it isn't life or death for you...but at least your beside them.
i guess.
(sometimes I'm not even sure how to do that much)

I quit

That is all I have to say.

a different side of fair

"it's not fair"

So? Who cares? "Fair" does not necessarily denote good. We all sit around cross legged on the ground passing around a communal cup and talk about what is and isn't fair deeming ourselves the judges of what is good. We toss around words not comprehending their meaning.

If we advocate for fairness then we ultimately advocate for a universal distribution of good as well as evil. Fair is impartial. Fair is conforming to a set of rules or laws of justice (probably whoever uses the phrase above refers to their own set of rules) irregardless of extenuating circumstances.

However, fairness can create a void of grace, of goodness, and kindness. All things we don't deserve, but receive -fairness withholds. fairness can bring selfishness and righteous vindication by paying attention only to the rules rather than the person. Even when God had to appease the idea of fair for our good it brought the greatest sorrow with the death of his son...that wasn't very fair. But I think it was good- even beautiful. We've all screwed up and gotten excused. We stand there shocked that greater repercussions didn't occur. We realize we didn't get what we deserve...we have just participated in a good unfair act.

So the next time you hear yourself say "but that isn't fair" think about what you really mean. Think about what standard or right you are claiming has been broached. Sometimes, it's a bad thing it has been violated, and sometimes...so much good can come from that violation we'll soon be passing our our own unfair acts to those around us.