Today I walked into my room and I looked for my puppy.She's been gone now since last May and I'm not sure why she still so echos so much in my life. I swear I still hear her nails click on the kitchen floor. Every time my duvet cover gets turned over to reveal the golden material I double take thinking it's my sniffles.
Maybe it's because I am particularly lonely lately. But I still have that slight heartache that comes with the absence of something familiar. She was the perfect companion. I remember sitting against my bed countless times crying and she would glance at me making her sad puppy eyes and come and sit right beside me. She never said anything, she never asked for anything. She just heaved a big sigh as if to say "yeah, I know". Sometimes I stop and listen because I swear in the myriad of noises I hear that her sigh was in there somewhere.
Ok yes, she did have some health problems and she didn't always smell the greatest because well- I was lazy- I didn't like always giving her a bath. But she was an excellent watch dog and a resilient adventurer. I hated towards the end not being able to take her on runs or walks because I was so afraid that her being deaf might perhaps endanger her. But in her younger days she traipsed with the rest of us, braved the frozen creek and braved the freezing water just to get to the other side with us and chase our sleds down the hill. She courageously fought off unwanted critters and took several "hits" for the team knowing full well a tomato and vinegar bath would result (skunk).
I was never afraid and never alone when she was near. Probably because she had the makings of what good friends do- she knows all your dirt, she knows what you can do and you don't, she knows what you have done, and she still sleeps beside you. She still begs to take a walk with you, and she still sits beside you in your tears.No wonder I miss her.
So hear is a poem I wrote about her last summer in my first ugoogely
Dear, dear Sniffles....We didn't name you peaches.
Like my brother wanted.We names you sniffles, cause you sniffled a lot.
And cause I picked that name and I was the favoritist.
Your ears smelled and you had health problems.
But you still were pretty cute.
With gentle wooing and a dog biscuit you learned to sleep on my bed till I kicked you off at 3am cause you hogged the bed.
You went on walks at midnight and protected me from scary Grouse.
You were brave when the car hit you.
You sat down and sniffed with me when I cried.
You pretended to be in shape and catch sticks.
What a good, good puppy because you even tolerated the dumb cats.
You were a good, loyal puppy.
Towards the end you couldn't see or hear.
But you could smell... you could always smell.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Dearly Departed Sniffles
Sunday, January 1, 2006
goodbye 200fricken5
But the really funny thing is that ... last year was also one of the most beautiful years of my life. Seriously- I'm not joking.I'm amazed. I really am. I like to call that pockets of grace. I can't believe all the good I got. I surely didn't deserve it. I was a stubborn, selfish girl who kept taking advantage of grace just enough to survive.
However... I am more myself than I have ever been in my life. More sure of what I am unsure about and comfortable not being sure about anything- including God. I have learned to laugh at myself, I have learned to cry or grow angry and then get up and shrug my shoulders, I have lost my grounding on the logical reality I have always had and found myself muddled in a sea of unfamiliar feelings that seemed like reality. I have learned how to trick myself till the feeling fades and reveals true reality. I have learned to stop caring and that I am only as strong as those around me. I have learned to laugh at somber things. I have learned to like tea and I tasted shrimp dip and liked it.
I have starved myself of God and found that He is deeper than I thought, I know less of him than I ever have did and yet... I am closer to him than before. I have placed myself in a self imposed desert and kept myself there for fear of the comfort of lush greens... yet God keeps bringing the feast to me. God has become a raw reality that the few times I focus on it's reflected waters I realize how everything in life pales in comparison.
It changes my tears of hurt to tears of amazement and the fullness of love. It strips my feelings of inadequacy, dullness of personality, and loss of dignity, to a beloved little girl who just likes to go and play. a flicker of mysterious peace so deep that even when i am crabby or mad...it doesn't shift.
Do any of us deserve this grace? I mean, not really... but I guess God thinks we do, or at least he figured out a way to make us deserve it so he could keep giving it to us. Why should so much be given to us when we spend most of our time refusing it? And if we keep getting so much beauty- why don't we pucker up and learn to take it when it's offered instead of waiting till we are starving on the desert floor? Why in our selfishness is God still so good?
AND SO.... I have only one resolution. To not let one day stack on another so that I am weary. When a new day comes I can leave the last day behind me. I think the bravest thing a person can do face their sorrow and failures and walk through it to find the beauty. It takes a lot of tries. "above all we must avoid the hopeless yielding to things as they are" a wise man once said.
I am still learning. And really the only thing I'll ever learn is how much I don't know. I still bemoan and sulk, get crabby and stubborn and I still pretend sometimes. I mean 2005 wasn't the worst year it could have been- sure it squeezed my inards out and sucked the air from me but... hey- who doesn't have moments like that? There are plenty more to come no use to relive the old ones! So raise a glass, look at yourself in the mirror and laugh every once in awhile, eat your favorite food, let the jerk tailing you pass you and enjoy the trees passing by, do something idiotic, make a zoolander face, don't take a long line at the store too seriously,. and for goodness sake...
...look at all the beauty. I would live 100 years of 2005 again if they would all promise to yield such a harvest.
Monday, August 29, 2005
More thoughts on Hope
Kudos to my friend for his addition to my words about hope...
It’s just hope
Hope that kills me...
Rain comes, hope
Springs eternal and
It haunts me
‘til I die
Well that's just a little exerpt, but I wasn't sure I was allowed to post the whole thing... but I think it's pretty beautiful. And as said...usually the hope that drains so much from us, that seemingly haunts and teases, isn't really the pure kind of hope. It's garbed in our wants rather than our Saviors. Yet still...I often can't tell the difference between hope in magic or hope in selfishness.Maybe there isn't a difference. I guess I just always thought that if you have a hope that, should it come true, you feel you would be among the stars...it can't be false. Then again...whose to say what will lift us to the stars? Only God.
To pull from my quotation collection...
" I don't want whatever I want. NOBODY does. Not really. What kind of fun would it be if I just got everything I ever wanted? Just like that, and it didn't mean anything. what then? " ~Coraline , Neil Gaiman.
Good point Coraline.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Hope, Christmas, Reality
Hope. Hope despite what you know is real...that kind of hope can kill you I think. I wonder if it really lifts you up or if it might also have the ability to suffocate you?
You know when you were younger around Christmas time –and you knew you parents didn’t have much money. You knew you wouldn’t get what you dreamed of, you wouldn’t get the popular toy, the “in” thing of the year. Most of the things you want you dare not even ask for because you don’t want your parents to feel bad. And it’s Christmas eve and you lay in your bed. You know tomorrow you won’t really get what you want, because you know the reality is that they just can’t afford it. And you’re ok with it. You know that isn’t the most important thing. You don't even care about what you get... You know reality. But still, when you close your eyes, you can’t help but dream, and in dreaming...hope.
Its Christmas morning now. You open your presents, genuinely happy and surprised. You play. You’re thankful. But when your done, when the last wrapping is thrown away...you still hope. Is there another hidden present? No. and you can’t help –even though you know it’s silly- let down. Because no matter what the reality, you couldn’t let go of that hope, if held on and now it’s crushed. Now you’re disappointed that your dreams didn’t magically appear. You knew reality, but hopes and dreams clung to you and delivered disappointment.